Turkey: A Christmas Rival

It becomes your best friend, you get to know them inside out (quite literally if you’re the one with your hand up it’s a**e). But why do we put so much effort into a bird that doesn’t even taste that great.

Sighs longingly at a chicken.

To be fair it could be a lot worse, I mean years ago before turkeys were a thing, the Brits used to enjoy a pig’s head served in a mustard sauce. Gross.

But here are a few reasons why turkeys can just go gobble their-selves.

Texture

Dry dry dry.

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The very fact that we have to baste a turkey implies that it needs enhancement. When I think of eating meat, I think ‘Do I have to drown it in gravy’, with turkey: yes.

There are very few poultries where you need a glass of water and a first aider at your ready for the Heimlich manoeuvre with every bite.

In fairness though, you can improve the texture of a Turkey and after looking round, I did find some good recipes like:

5 terrific Thanksgiving turkey recipes https://diylifestyle.co/2018/11/09/5-terrific-thanksgiving-turkey-recipes

Flavour

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Turkey is a wannabe chicken if ever I’ve met one and quite frankly, not a very good one either.

I struggle with Turkey’s bland flavour, almost as much as I struggle with chewing cardboard. Seriously, any meat where the gravy provides the only flavour is a no from me.

‘Oh, try it with cranberry sauce, mustard, goose fat…’ I shouldn’t have to. Christmas dinner is supposed to be the best meal of the year, so why do we have to eat this cretin.

Cooking

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So the preparation of a Christmas meal is something I look forward to: cutting the vegetables the night before, defrosting the pudding… and marinating the Turkey a week before, just so that I don’t die from stress on the day.

So much effort is involved in cooking a Turkey: place it in a bucket of water for a week with herbs; baste it in goose fat; buy a big enough oven! You shouldn’t need a tape measure for a meal.

And when you’ve finally finished the Christmas dinner, you’re stuck with half a Turkey for a month, making curries, stews, and sandwiches.

Then you have to hide the carcass when it’s down to its bare bones. It doesn’t fit in the bin, you can’t bury it because that’s ‘weird’. There should be disposal sites or rag ‘n bone men who come round and collect Turkeys. I would pay for this service.

So yeah, I think I’ll stick to Chicken this year, not conventional but it’s easy to cook, clean, tastes and feels nice to chew, and is easily disposed of.

What are your turkey horror stories? Please comment below 🙂

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