The Best of British Christmas Food

Every year, we stuff our faces with whatever food we like and say ‘Oh it’s fine, it’s Christmas’, and in return our bodies don’t give us any grief. Christmas is a time for eating more than anything, be it salty, sweet, spicy or just plain sawdust (whack a bit of cinnamon on- lovely).

Mince Pies

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What would Christmas be without a personal sized pastry filled with mincemeat? Especially when said pie is supposedly savoury! I love a mince pie and don’t think there is a more quintessentially British flavour to Christmas… expect maybe Baileys.

But as much as I love a mince pie, they do fill you up very quickly and you’re left with an instant regret of having compacted pastry stuffed into your teeth cavities. You then have to try and dig this out with either finger or tongue, in a manner that is deemed socially acceptable.

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Nonetheless, Slavered in cream and eaten warm, mince pies can be a real treat. However, not everyone agrees, with mince pies having a bit of a marmite, love-hate relationship with the UK, kind of like Cheryl Cole, or Brexit.

Chocolate Selection Tubs

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From Roses to Quality Street, Heroes to… Crappy Celebrations, divide has existed for centuries (well a few years) over which is the best chocolate tub – My favourite is Rose’s Strawberry Dream.

Most of the chocolate in these tubs is actually pretty boring and a waste of time. There is an immediate joy when buying a tin of Roses, which lasts about five minutes until all the ‘good ones’ are gone (I will leave this open for opinion). But in reality, a caramel chew is a tooth breaker, the Dairy Milk is a block rip off chocolate, and the Caramel Velvet was better when it was a triangle.

Clementines

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Some people only ever eat oranges at Christmas and it’s really just to make them feel better about all the rubbish food they’ve eaten. A delicious ball of sweetness, these Clementine’s and Satsumas really do have the scent of Christmas (quite literally it is in most potpourris).

An easy peeler is a good recommendation, as just with large oranges, you will have a tough time peeling anything that sticks to the fruit. I have wasted hours of my life peeling large oranges, only to get sticky fingers afterwards and a smell of shame. Honestly, I’m at the point now where I haven’t eaten an orange in years, I just stick to Satsumas and Clementines.

Even though you may get the odd batch of sour clementines, which are worse than sucking on a lemon, they are still delicious.

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Cheese Boards

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If you’re over 40, or in your 20’s and trying to be posher than you are, a cheese board is good at any time of year to show off your affluence (just get rid of the ‘Tesco Value’ packaging).

Everybody who isn’t lactose intolerant or vegan loves a cheese board, leaving roughly 5 people nationally. But for those who can and choose to eat cheese, you are in for a treat. Camembert, Brie, Cheddar and Red Leicester are beautiful, creamy, crumbly, strong or mild, providing a full range based on the eater’s choice. Beyond these cheeses, you have the weird blue veiny stuff, or the mouldy cheese, which is essentially for the nutters- which brings me onto nut based cheese… why is this a thing? Nobody likes a show off when eating a cheese board, but the joke is on them when they end of with smelly breath and a constipation issue.

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Served with crackers and pickle (Branston only), cheese is a delight, but don’t eat too much or no one will like you.

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7 thoughts on “The Best of British Christmas Food

  1. I don’t live in the UK (though I plan to move there), but I’m a huge fan of British culture and love all things British unconditionally. I’ve recently managed to finally try some mince pies and, dear God, it must have been the most divine thing I’ve ever eaten.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. With cream? Gotta try that next time! …if I manage to find another box of mince pies in this country, that is. Finding the previous one took me a bloody month ^^’

        Like

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