Sitting here in my chair, with my fat arse unable to move because of my fat belly, which has developed over the three weeks I’ve had this death trap of a device. A true she devil when it comes to trapping individuals in a blubber prison cell… Alexa.

The product itself is incredible, but after about a week of using this thing, I became dependent, my everyday needs could only be fulfilled by an oversized tablet that stood in the corner of the room, telling em the weather, playing my tunes, reordering me tubs of lard. I needed Alexa way more than she needed me.

In all honesty, I got this device as a present, not thinking much about it at the time. At first, when I plugged it in, I was amazed at just how far away I could stand from the actual unit and it could still hear me. This would prove to be my demise, as it would less mean movement to use the thing. This is especially true with the multi-room audio, meaning that I don’t even have to raise my voice to shout for my girlfriend in another room- not even my vocal cords get exercise!

To be fair, it is fun to shout at a box and get it to turn my lights on or play music, but these are things that I used to do, simply by standing up, walking to the wall and turning flicking the light switch, or turning on my stereo.

I miss life. I miss my feet being on the ground. I miss having good circulation.

‘Alexa, where is the nearest crane to lift me from my bed?’